Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham Part 2

Previously: Rohan won a cricket match.

Flash to a massive, massive house that most people could fit their entire extended family into, plus some livestock. There's a bunch of people sitting in rows in a fashion that usually means "church" to me. A couple of women are singing a hymn. Into a microphone. They have a home church! Or would you call it a home temple? There are guys in the congregation but apparently none of them know how to sing.

Two old ladies are sitting on a massive cushion in front of the congregants, swaying back and forth, enjoying being worshipped. Oh, wait, maybe the song's for the gods way way behind them in that enclave thingy. The older old lady peeks at a picture in her scripture book. What's with this display of piety? Is it supposed to let us know without really showing it that they're good people? Lazy storytelling, Karan. The younger old lady elbow-bumps the older old lady. Yeah, no having fun looking at pictures during worship, Old Old Lady, didn't you know it's supposed to be boring? We get to see the picture too: it's SRK and the chubby kid again.



Okay, now the Not-As-Old Lady is doing the goodbye thing with attendees. She carries a thaali back to the massive cushion, where Old Old Lady is still sulking. Not-As-Old Lady asks the other one if she's still looking at that photo and crying. Old Old Lady flat-out denies it. Not-As-Old Lady says, Yeah, right, and you're a fresh young thing too. Harsh! Old Old Lady is like, "dude. Seriously? I haven't had my coffee yet. Look, I'm just upset about Rahul." Not-As-Old says, "Even I remember him." When I first saw this movie I didn't know she meant, "I remember him too," and I thought she was saying that her senility hadn't progressed that far yet.

Old Old says that the memories of SRK are making her restless. Join the German fanclub, honey. She mentions that they've lived their full lives. Not-As-Old is all, "Oh. Please. We both know you're keeling over first." Old Old gives her that point, but says she doesn't know how she'll face God in his house. How will she explain to him why she couldn't unite her scattered family? Jeez, is God making Old Old Ladies do that now? How will she show her face to him? Not-As-Old tells her not to worry. After all, OLD OLD IS GOING TO HELL. Oh yes she did. Old Old pretends Not-As-Old was joking. Ha. Ha.

Off-camera, we hear Rohan say, "Hey sweethearts!" There he is, with a jacket carefully folded and oh-so-casually draped over his right hand. I wonder why they did that? Not-As-Old runs to hug him. The violins tell us we should be touched by this encounter. Good thing we have music or I wouldn't know what to think. Oh, okay, Not-As-Old is Naani and Old Old must be Daadi then. Rohan tells his Naani she looks sexy. Perv. She admits that everyone else thinks so too. They start singing a Kelis song. "My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard--" No, just kidding, they go over to where Daadi's sitting. Rohan sits between his grandmothers.

Daadi blesses Rohan, which I never stop thinking is sweet no matter how many Hindi films I see. She complains about how weak he is; her husband must've been Dara Singh or something. Naani says not everyone can be as strong as Daadi, but Daadi finally tells her to shut up. Then she starts crying again, perhaps with remorse. Rohan doesn't ask her what's wrong, opting for the "I'm going to pretend you're not here," approach to what's making him uncomfortable. Instead he asks Naani what's wrong. Naani says that if Daadi's crying, everything's fine; it's if she isn't crying that Naani gets worried. Okay, guys, it's called Prozac.

Rohan decides to go with this, since it won't require any action on his part. Daadi moans his name. Rohan exhorts them to "stop it now, you two!" What the heck did Naani ever do? He embraces them both, one under each arm, rolling his eyes and chuckling while Daadi continues having her nervous breakdown into his shoulder. Zoom in on Daadi.

Scene switch! It looks later. Naani is telling Daadi to shut the eff up, already, Rohan's already wondering what's going on and what are they gonna tell him, huh? Daadi, who refilled her glycerin supply between takes, sobs, "Whenever I see Rohan, I think of Rahul more!" That should have been the movie's theme song. Apparently the camera is on a merry-go-round, circling the two women faster than a tornado. Daadi wants to tell Rohan everything. Naani reminds her that Yash warned them against it. Oh yeah? Or what? He'll kill you? Go for it, Daadi, you're half-dead of dehydration already.

Naani continues telling, not showing. "Rohan was out of town when Rahul left. He doesn't know anything." Daadi still thinks they should tell him everything. Naani asks where they should begin. Rohan doesn't even know that Rahul was not born to Yash and Nandini. He was ADOPTED. OMG! Circling camera rotates to catch Rohan in the frame just as she blurts out the Big Bad Secret. Thunder crashes, so of course both women turn to look at Rohan, like, "Was it the beans at dinner again, honey?" Instead of blurting out, "Did your parents never teach you to knock?" like my grandparents would, they assume a guilt-filled silence.

Dramatic zoom-in on the grandmas! Thunder crash!

Dramatic zoom-in on Rohan! Thunder crash!

Dramatic zoom-in on the grandmas! Thunder crash!

Dramatic zoom in on the shocked and teary-eyed Rohan! Double-thunder crash!

Some time later, we get stuck in a light fixture. The camera frees itself and drifts down while Daadi tells the story of Rahul. He was two days old when Yash and Nandini brought him home. His tiny footsteps made a place in all their hearts. Oh, they used to all live together? Probably Yash moved the grandmas out when Daadi started the incessant weeping.

We get the same black-and-white footage of Jaya playing with Aryan that the opening credits featured, because it's not like we could have figured out who the characters were without the reminder. Lata--or I assume it's Lata, maybe it's somebody else who sounds a hundred years old--vocalizes wordlessly over the retrospective.

Daadi continues, "Rahul became Nandini's lifeline and Yash's dream was fulfilled. Oh, right, then nine years later you came along. Afterthought." The astrologer told them that Rohan fought Destiny to be born. Is that an old line of birth control pills? The astrologer also said Rohan would be the family's strength. No pressure though.

Rohan brushes this off--why does she think he's spent six hours a day in the gym for the past five years?--and asks if Rahul bhaiyya ever knew that he was...? Oh my gosh. Just friggin' say it, Rohan. ADOPTED. ADOPTED ADOPTED ADOPTED. It's not a dirty word. He doesn't say it though. Daadi admits that one idiot let it slip, once, when Rahul was eight years old. The family hid it till then so the boy's trauma could be maximized.

Flashback to Jaya, I mean, Nandini, standing alone in a massive house hugging a little boy who can only be Rahul. Yash comes in and sees Rahul crying. A choir sings "Ah ah ah ah" as Lata continues "La la la la la la." It's the no-words version of the "Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham" song. Rahul turns to him and presses his palms together, asking for...mercy? Forgiveness for his DNA? I dunno, but apparently Yash is traumatized by the whole thing and enfolds the other two in an embrace. What, you guys are richer than God, clearly Westernized, and you didn't read one book about how to parent an adopted child?

Daadi voice-overs that Yash decreed that no one was ever allowed to speak of the matter again. Kabhi nahiin. The camera continues its nausea-inducing swing around the grandmas and Rohan, then in flashback around the devastated-looking Yash, Nandini, and Rohan.

Daadi says that Rahul was the oldest son of the house, a truth that could never be changed. However, the fact of his adoption was brought up again... suddenly. And that was Rahul's last Diwali with his family. She breaks down--AGAIN, man, and everything goes yellow.

Next up: Rahul comes home for Diwali, ten years ago.