Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Part 3

Previously: Rohan found out his absentee brother Rahul was adopted.

Huge-ass house that looks like it's in England, but what do I know? Title card: Raichand House, Diwali, 10 Years Ago. So I guess it's in India.

Inside the house: a woman dumps flower petals at three gods' feet. Camera zoom in on Yash as he hears the woman singing worship in another room and turns, probably because he thinks it's for him. The same woman's hand draws a swastika on a thaali in the middle of a rose-petal bed. Somewhere, the lone Neo-Nazi who accidentally made it past the credits suffers a head explosion.

Switch to Farida Jalal pulling a kurta over the chubby kid's head, moaning, "Oh Allah, Rohan baba, you have become so fat that nothing fits you anymore." She must be his psychiatrist, or maybe life-coach. Way to pump up the self-esteem, lady! He complains, "DJ!" She tells him to call her Daijaan. So. Hrithik was the chubby kid. Yeah, that's believable.

Back to the worship scene. Innumerable flower petals lay beneath lamps, sindoor, coconuts... It's like the Hindu version of a Hallmark Christmas or something. We see the back of Jaya's head as she covers it with her scarf-thingy, singing in Lata's voice that "it's all in your blessings" to whatever god the camera's zooming in on. It's the religious version of "Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham," the song. The camera zooms past Jaya as we at last get to see her face. She keeps on singing. Fifty extras pretend to be pious behind her while making sure they continue eye contact with the camera.

The camera's up on the mezzanine now and we can see that there's about a hundred guests there to celebrate the holiday. I take it back. It's not Hallmark Christmas, it's WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS. Except Diwali. Everything's very bright and garlanded. We get a few more angles of Jaya "singing." A woman twirls about to reveal... Rani! She gives that big grin, the one that always makes you wish it was for you, and comes running down the stairs carrying a thaali in front of a herd of other beautiful women who can dance. Awesome guest list, Nandini!

The grandmas come in, "Namaste"-ing everybody. Daadi looks pensive. Naani smacks her to get her to pay attention. Next time, a simple shoulder tap will do, Naani.

More camera track work in front of the gods, Jaya, the grandmas, and Rani, who comes and stands beside them like a member of the family. Daadi blesses Nandini. More praying and thaali-waving. The grandmas squish Nandini in a two-sided hug. Rani pokes her face in there too. Hug-stealer. Up on the mezzanine, Yash has finally figured out Nandini wasn't singing to him and is surveying his domain. Behind him, Daijaan is trying to finish Rohan's outfit. Rohan runs away. Yash embraces another man about his own age.

More pooja. My gosh, Karan, we get it, okay? Even though these people are richer than 99% of this movie's intended audience, even though they have a mansion big enough to hold a village, even though clearly their lives haven't been touched by one single life-or-death issue that affects the majority of their fellow Indians, they worship the same gods and so THEY ARE JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. Thank you. Even the guy behind Nandini is getting bored, rolling his eyes to the ceiling as he sways.

Yash deigns to join Nandini on the ground floor. She goes to touch his feet, he stops her. Barely. Daijaan and Rohan have joined the family group as well. Rohan takes the tray from his mother and begins waving it in approved fashion. Then he eats some prasad and his dad smacks his head. Heh.

Scene switch. A black helicopter's blades spooling up. Oh my God! They've clearly made their money through heroin distribution and are about to get shot dead by the Indian version of SWAT! A guy in an all-black suit descends the stairway of what looks like a private jet and takes off toward the helicopter, holding a briefcase. He's probably got the warrant in there. We can't see his face. Above the helicopter, we see the helicopter blades spin...

And it blurs into Rani, spinning with her arms outstretched like the helicopter blades, which is actually a very nice segue. She's dancing with a couple dozen other girls while everyone pretends she isn't trying to make Diwali all about her, as usual. She looks up, flushed with success at having captured everyone's attention... including Yash's and the guy he hugged earlier. He raises his hand in appreciation, then gives her the "OK" sign, mouthing, "You look lovely." Rani stops in mid-spin, pretending to be surprised, even though this was so what she was aiming for. She rolls her eyes and laughs, then draws a tally mark in the air, giving her first compliment from Yash today a thumbs-up.

Different perspective. A tray of laddoos. Rohan hovers over them, bobbling his head in satisfaction. Mmmm, me too, Rohan. He's walking away, eating one. Naani sees him and her mouth drops open in shock. That little... he didn't bring one for her? What the heck, kid. She grabs the treat from his hand, then mimes a balloon being filled with air, perhaps demonstrating how she'll hold her breath till she passes out unless he gives her the laddoo right the frak now. Rohan looks despondent as she walks away, clutching her food, for at least a second until Daijaan finds him and offers him a new one. They hug. Daijaan, you are an enabler.

Okay, now we're continuing the religious stuff. Nandini is laying lamps out. Rani's helping her like a good bahu. Upstairs, the two continue placing dozens of lamps out, because nothing enlivens a holiday more than a call to emergency services. The kids'll love the fire trucks! Zoom shot on Yash, smiling like he's contemplating Nandini's life insurance policy as he gazes at her. She walks toward him, still singing--okay, now it really looks like she's actually worshiping him--and makes an invisible adjustment to his shirt. She feeds him something. They hug.

Rani runs over, shaking her finger in remonstrance. That's right, Yash, how dare you flirt with anyone but her? She takes the thaali and flings her hand over her eyes as she walks away, probably hoping she'll "accidentally" fall down the stairs and then Yash will be sorry. Nandini looks a little sheepish. She and Yash hug again. Aerial shot of their chateau. Inside, Rani's sticking with what worked before and dancing again. Outside, the helicopter draws closer and closer.

Inside, Nandini picks up yet another thaali and carries it to Daijaan, who continues praying for the Raichand's salvation with a serene smile on her face. Everybody else does the waving hands over thaali prayer thing. (I don't know what it's called, sorry.) Outside, the helicopter is about to land on the front lawn; the groundskeeper is going to have a fit tomorrow. Inside, Nandini puts a tikka on Yash. Outside, the camera swerves to reveal the helicopter's passenger: SRK/Rahul. Inside, Nandini turns from Yash toward the door, smiling as if she sees Rahul already. SRK smiles like he's thinking about gate-crashing. Nandini starts walking away from Yash toward the door as, outside, SRK starts running toward the chateau. The overlaying vocals say "ah ah ah ah ah" faster because it's the happy wordless version of the Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham song!

Inside, Nandini looks like she's sleepwalking through the assorted dancing girls, still clutching the thaali, although red-outfit chick makes some good camera eye contact. Outside, the helicopter lifts away (its pilot cursing the Raichand name for making him work on Diwali, swearing he is so gonna file for overtime and a half) as SRK continues his lone tear toward the chateau. More sleepwalking. More running. More walking. More running. Okay, I understand, interval training is the best!

Nandini stands in the ballroom entry way, staring down the hall. Gauzy curtains wave in the breeze. More circular camera work around Nandini as her expression changes to apprehensive, then downcast. Behind her, the entire cast of extras has decided to take a break and stare down the hall too. It's fun, try it! Nandini shakes her head in disbelief--that Rahul is going to miss Diwali again, doesn't he know it's all for him, everything she goes through--and starts to turn away. There are some instrumental sounds, which she apparently hears, and she turns back to the door, teary-eyed. Rahul stumbles around the corner, apparently not having had the chance to sleep off his "goodbye party," and clumsily swings his briefcase over his shoulder again. Nandini looks like an asthmatic who forgot her inhaler, gasping and red-eyed. Rahul shakes his finger at her in remonstrance because, again, she has the fans turned up to "Extra Tornado" setting and his perfectly coiffed hair is moving, again, Mother!

"Hey, Maa, how is it that you always sense that I'm arriving?" he asks. Um, the giant helicopter noise pollution that brought you here, perhaps? Nandini forbears to answer, opting instead to put a tikka on Rahul's forehead, then cradle his cheek in her hand. He tsks at her, then bends to touch her feet. Lata starts singing "Ah ah ah ah ah Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham," slowly, because it's the tender maternal version of the Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham song! Rahul kisses Nandini on the forehead, and Jaya Bachchan must be under five feet because next to her SRK looks tall.

Scene switch. The whole family and all the guests are standing before the gods praying. Rani and her... father, I guess, though that hasn't been made clear yet, are standing with the Raichands. Yash looks at Rani and pulls her closer, putting his arm solicitously around her. Rahul messes with Rohan's hair, to the latter's disgust. Nandini's the only one who's got her eyes closed because she is the only one who really means all this stuff anyway.

Next up: Rahul strings Rani along and calls his brother fat. Hero!