Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Part One

Karan Johar's Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham was, at the time of its 2001 release, the highest-grossing Hindi film, ever. With an all-star cast including heavyweights Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Shah Rukh Khan, Kajol, Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor, and Farida Jalal, the film served the dual purpose of reuniting the main players from Johar's previous hit Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and making viewers bawl with tears that owed nothing to glycerin. None of this mitigates the fact that it also pushes every single button in the expansive filmi Lexicon of Cheeze without leaving a single cliche unturned. And that is why it deserves to be on this blog. Without further ado:

Ads. There's that one for Mohabbatein, which I've never seen (legally). Oh, wait, it's the Yash Raj Forever Classics one. Dimple with a huge nose ring, Sridevi in yellow, Rishi in sweaters, SRK batting at balloons. Lots of "this is a very serious montage of classic films YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN" implied. Thanks a lot, ad. As if I didn't already have enough problems with self-esteem. At least I actually know who all the black-and-white stars were now, which I didn't the first time I saw the ad. Saathiya's up next. Rani cuddles a lamb while Vivek Oberoi makes loops with his arms on a mountaintop.

Okay, finally. Movie! A statue of Ganesha with Dharma Productions next to it, accompanied by the Kuch Kuch Hota Hai title song, because did you know this movie is by the same guy who did KKHH? It totally is! Three snapshots. Karan misses his grandparents the most today. Awwww. Tomorrow it might be somebody different, but at least they won today.

Amitabh Bachchan looks straight at the camera and wonders why dads can't tell their sons they love them. Jaya Bachchan looks straight at the camera and says moms can't stop telling their sons that they love them. I think we just got a capsule view of their entire marriage. Big B insists this doesn't mean a father loves his son any less. Uh-huh. Let's ask Abhishek. I hear he's on Twitter now. Jaya says that no one can fathom a mother's love for her son, not even the mother, because it's measureless. We zoom in on a family photo of the Bachchans, SRK, and some chubby kid. The camera zooms and rotates in on SRK in a way that lets us know she's talking about him as she says, "My son Rahul. My life." Guess the chubby kid just wandered into the photo shoot at the wrong time.

Credits, interposed over black-and-white pictures and film of Jaya frolicking with a little kid who's actually SRK's real-life son Aryan. Good thing the Neo-Nazis would never watch this film, it would puzzle them endlessly. Jaya pretends she thinks it's funny when the kid fake-offers her some food, then eats it himself. Little brat. Can't he see she's starving? Aww, he brought her a sweater to make up for it. "Here, Maa, I know you're probably freezing after all that weight loss. Wear this instead." Title card in Hindi... English translation: "It's all about loving your parents."--Karan Johar. I'll keep that in mind but you'd better prove it, Karan, because I thought it was all about being rich and glamorous.

Helicopter shot over lawns that don't look very Indian, but what do I know? People are shouting "Rohan! Rohan!" It's a cricket game! For a fancy-dancy college, apparently, where they wear jackets and have their own radio station that isn't ruled by NPR and three hours of bluegrass a DAY. Not that I'm bitter or anything. The two batsmen take their positions, which solidifies my position of "I will never understand cricket," because what kind of game has two batsmen? Cricket, that's what. Everything depends on Rohan, who has very pretty eyes and a fan club in the bleachers. Rohan is getting all the women he ever wanted after this match as long as he doesn't screw up this last pitch. Manor House is confident that Rohan will get his hook-up. Red-jacket-opposing-school-announcer is not so confident, which is probably wishful thinking.

Uh-oh. Everybody is slooooowwwwwiiiiiiinnnng dooooowwwwwwn. Oh my God! Did the spectators just come into contact with a radioactive waste spill and become superheroes who can freeze time? Oh. No. It's just Rohan concentrating on the pitch. Apparently the stress has gotten to him, because he begins to hallucinate that SRK is speaking to him. Although, to be fair, who hasn't fantasized about SRK murmuring into their ears when life gets to be too much? SRK tells Rohan to close his eyes. Noooo, Rohan, SRK is clearly batting for the other team! Don't close your eyes when balls are flying at your face! You want to see everything.

So Rohan just blinks and then things snap back into regular speed. There's some ball-throwing, paddle-swinging, and ball-dropping. A guy in a topi and sunglasses lifts his hands in a way that would mean "The field goal's good!" in the States. Everybody screams so I guess Rohan did the right thing. The bleachers flood out onto the field and Rohan takes off his helmet to reveal... Hrithik Roshan! He's on top of the world! Everybody's hugging him and trying to pick him up, but since he's half a foot taller than his entire class, that's not really happening.

Scene switch to Rohan in his room, typing an e-mail to his parents. He modestly gives credit to his entire team for the excellent way they put him in a position to save the game. No, just kidding, he brags shamelessly about his performance and awesome face. Well, if I looked in the mirror and saw that every day, I'd brag too. Right after I screamed like a little girl and asked my husband why he hadn't told me I needed electrolysis. Rohan mentions he saw his dad on CNN that morning and that, although he had been under the impression that his "amazing good looks" sprang from nowhere, apparently he got them from his BIOLOGICAL FATHER. Because they are RELATED BY BLOOD. Trust me, that will matter later.

Just in case his parents lost track of when they could stop making the exorbitant tuition payments, Rohan reminds them that he's done with his final term and will be home for Diwali. Rohan packs a few things in a duffel bag, apparently deciding to leave three-quarters of his belongings to the housekeeper, and tosses in a photo of the chubby kid and SRK on top of his clothes. Sure hope the duffel bag's a carry-on, because otherwise that picture's a goner.

Oh, and a P.S. to the e-mail. Before he goes home he's going to go see his two favorite girlfriends. Jeez, Rohan, all those girls slutting it up in the bleachers for you weren't enough? Some guys. Switch to outside the school, where Jugal-whatshisname from Masoom and Aaja Nachle asks who these girlfriends in Hardwar are. Rohan says, "My grandmas!" Awwww. I take it back, Rohan! You're a good guy, maybe!

Next: Rohan finds out the truth about Rahul.