Monday, April 26, 2010

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Part 8

Previously: Anjali was on speed, and Rohan sped along.

We're in a massive ballroom, festooned with evergreen garlands and Christmas lights, with a gigantic chandelier (I wonder if Shweta added it to the list) in the center. Party guests mill around while Rani sashays to the front and center of a stage. Naina starts singing a breathy version of "Happy Birthday to You," and while it doesn't include any Monroe-esque posturing, it's still a little sexy for my tastes. She slowly walks forward to Yash, who's deep in conversation with that same man he embraced at Diwali. Naina counters this by raising her voice, "Happy BIRT'DAY, HAPPY BIRT'DAY," which is one more way we know Rani's not really singing it, because she never drops her th's unless it's in character. She wraps it up with a sassy little "do do do do do do;" Yash thanks her and gives her a hug.

Rahul, of course, can't let Naina be the center of attention for more than 20 seconds, so starts tapping on a champagne glass and saying excuse me. "Before I raise this toast to Papa," he begins, "I want to say something to all of you." He goes on by telling how he had a dream since he was a child to be like his Papa. Yes, don't all little boys want to grow up to be misogynistic tyrants wearing a thin cloak of beneficence? He wanted to do everything exactly like Yash, right down to the way he stands. I think he should also emulate Yash's traditional clothes, because, man, who wears a rock star jacket with leather trim--zipped all the way to the neck--to an evening birthday party? No one but Manish Malhotra and Karan Johar's dress-up doll, that's who.

Sometimes Rahul still tries to stand like his father, exactly as his father does. He can't do it, though. No one really can.

Yash makes a dismissive gesture while Naina laughs as Rahul's posturing. Rahul admits that maybe he'll never be able to do it, because he is eighteen inches shorter than his dad. Also there's no one like Yash. Rahul lifts teary eyes to the ceiling and says he knows "someone up there" is happy with him to have bestowed upon him the right to be known as Yashvardhan Raichand's son. Rahul, there aren't really fairies in the chandelier, that's just something your mom told you to keep you from playing with it when the servants lowered it for cleaning. "To say it proudly," he adds, then whispers, "Thank you, Papa," while head-wobbling. Cue poundy drums and "ah ah ah" Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham vocals from the voiceover angels. Yash nods like Zeus granting a good fate from the lottery jar, but he's a bit teary-eyed himself.

Rahul glances around him and, realizing he's just shown a bit too much genuine emotion in public, chuckles. Raising his glass, he says, "And today, Papa, I, and the three most beautiful women in the world," gesturing toward three gorii girls dressed up in evening gowns, then dismissing them to reveal his maa, daadi, and naani standing behind them, "Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss Asia Pacific, and Fatty," smacking Rohan's head, because public humiliation is a key element for character building! His audience laughs. Bwahahaha, it's so great of you to call your brother fat in public, dickhead Rahul! "We just want to say to you that we love you very much. You're the best, Papa." Nandini lifts a hand to his cheek without looking, mentally editing, "the best except for Rahul, of course."

Everyone applauds except for Naina, who behind her smile is trying to think of a way to do Rahul one better. Yash distracts her by saying, "Look what he's done to me." She raises her hand to wipe tears from his cheeks. Awwww. Yash draws her into another embrace. Good going, Yash, she has to be freezing in that bikini top.

The lights cut out, and everyone starts looking around and acting surprised as if this doesn't happen all the time in India. Rahul offers to go have a look and take Daadi with him--so she doesn't get trampled in the inevitable stampede, or something?--but... There's something suspicious... The Christmas lights are still twinkling...

A spotlight illuminates Yash, now standing onstage! "Ladies and gentlemen," he intones, then bats a hand. "Aw, forget it." With a flourish of brass, he indulges in a few seconds' worth of rug-cutting, accompanied by back up dancers, finishing with a jazz-hand pose and a "Yeah!" The lights come back up, to reveal his audience staring, open-mouthed, wondering who slipped Roofies into his champagne and if they can pretend like this whole embarrassment never happened. Before anyone tackles him off the stage, Yash points to his son. "This one's for you, Rahul." Rahul looks around, searching for the gale-force fan that's disturbing his hairdo. "Thank you, Papa," he whispers. "And for you, my lovely," Yash adds, blowing a kiss to Naina, who shakes her head and laughs, probably in disbelief that he called her out second. The man who must be her father gives her a sideways hug. Song!

Yash does a shoulder shimmy, then puts his arms akimbo and shakes his hips. "Say 'shava shava,'" sing the backup girls. Nandini, in the audience, opens and closes her mouth, looking around for help. Rahul joins her, but instead of dragging his dad offstage, he gestures that she should join Yash and dance too. Nandini laughs and elbows him a little.

Oblivious to this byplay, Yash continues to dance with a bunch of white girls in purple minidresses and ridiculous high heels--they look like the Robert Palmer girls from "Addicted to Love." They do a kind of modified twist. Say shava shava! Rohan is loving the female exposure. Daijaan tries to cover his eyes but he's not having any of that. Enter bhangra! Yash and the minidresses does a sort of hula arms thing, then he starts singing. "Your beauty is golden," giving the thumbs up to... Naina! Damn, dude, do you want her for your son or for your second wife? I mean, I don't think it's creepy that he hugs her a lot, but I do think this is crossing the line. After all, she's not the wife who threw you the massive party, hai na? Anyways, Naina just shakes her head in mock-chiding and accepts it as her due. "And so are your anklets," Yash adds, giving her a two-handed A-OK.

"They tinkle in melody, to wound the hearts of millions!" Well, there might be 200 guests, but I dunno about millions, Yash. He draws a line under his eyes. "Your kohled eyes speak a mysterious language, the immortal language of love," he sings, still to Naina, who sways with her back to him so the camera can see her face.

"Yay!" Yash applauds himself. He and the backup dancers move their hands up and down like puppets on strings, then raise their right arms above their hands and pull down. It looks a lot like what American kids do when they're bored traveling on the freeway to get 18-wheeler drivers to honk their horns. Say shava shava, everyone!

Rahul stretches out his arms and shimmies his shoulders. Nandini remonstrates, but he just tries to get her to join in again.

"My gilded beauty shines through, and so do my golden anklets," Naina sings, then repeats herself for emphasis. Yash half-shrugs; he'll give her that. Her anklets tinkle in melody to wound the hearts of millions. Naina flips her hands back and forth in front of her bosom. You don't have anklets on your boobies, Naina. Not to be outdone, Rahul pops up behind her, singing that his kohled eyes speak a mysterious language, the immortal language of love. No, Rahul, that was in Asoka. They grasp in front of their chests, first with one hand, then the other. Yash roars "EVERYBODY!" and I scream and duck for cover.

Everyone onscreen, though, starts dancing. Say shava shava! Puppet hands! Honk the truck horn! They do a move like their hands are stairsteps, one over the other over the other, going up. Modified twist! Saris swirling!

Uh-oh, scene switch. The music keeps playing, though. We're in Chandni Chowk again. Anjali's father sits in a place of honor while party guests dance for him, including Anjali and Rukhsar. I think what they sing is "Maahi ve maahi aaja," but I don't really know because there aren't any subtitles. Anjali goes to her father and sister, sitting beside him, and hugs them both.

Back to the ballroom. Yash and Rahul have formed a conga line with the Robert Palmer girls. They're shuffling forward. Now they're shuffling backward. Yash and Rahul lean their backs against each other and nod to one another in approval of the female objectification targets surrounding them. "Mm-hmm!"

Back in Chandni Chowk, the Sikh dancers are back! And then they part to reveal... Shit. Johnny Lever again, dancing with his wife, Rukhsar, and Anjali. "C'mon everybody, let's dance," he urges. Not if it means dancing with you, Johnny. I'll sit this one out, thanks.

In the ballroom, Yash, Rahul, and Rohan dance, one arm outstretched before each, toward Nandini and Naina. Yash pauses to half-cuddle Nandini. Cut to Rahul, bouncing in slow-motion with a tornado-strength fan on him. Something off-screen catches his attention and he slowly stops, gazing in wonder at...

Dream-Anjali from the square, the one who wasn't completely crazy and annoying, dancing in the center of a bunch of twirling black-clothed Sikhs. Rahul drops his arms and stares, delighted and incredulous.

I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't love to have SRK someone looking at me like that. Anjali, however, keeps on bouncing, oblivious. Rahul dances in a clockwise circle around her, singing that since the first time he laid his eyes on her, his heart beats faster every minute. Yeah, you might wanna get that checked out or you might be dead before a week's elapsed. Rahul does that praying gesture of hand from forehead to heaven. "Oh Lord, what have you done to me?" Besides assaulted your ears and inspired you to smacking a stranger around? I dunno, Rahul, what has she done to you? He taps her elbow and does the "I'm too cool to say 'hi'" chin jerk of acknowledgment. Dream-Anjali hand-bats a dismissal with a smile and spins away counter-clockwise while Naina spins into frame just after her, behind Rahul. For a bare second they're all three in the same frame--

--because did you know this movie is by the same guy who did Kuch Kuch Hota Hai? It totally is!

Naina sings that Rahul's sweet words make her weak in her knees. Silly Naina, don't you realize he's singing to a hallucination? Duh. She crosses her wrists before her face and snaps her fingers, still dancing around him. "I think I'm falling in love with you," she adds. Oh really? Because I was under the impression that happened way back. Rahul shakes his head and laughs a little, though whether at his own folly or at her pathetic attempt to cover up her long obsession I don't know. "I will die without you," she warns. "Oh God, I will die without you."

She's smiling to keep it light, but those words don't translate to "slight affection" in any language I know, including the mysterious language, the immortal language of love.

She goes off and dances with Yash. Say shava shava! Cut to the Chandni Chowk crowd. Say shava shava!

Pointless strings interlude. We get an aerial shot of couples doing some more traditional ballroom dancing, and it's very pretty. Yash has Naina as his partner. Of course. She goes spinning under his arm in one direction, leaving the frame as Rahul enters, dancing with Nandini. Rohan goes tangoing off with Daijaan in one direction, goes off-camera for a second, and tangos back on-camera in the other direction, this time with a Palmer girl. Rahul slides back on-camera alone and gives us a look of incredulity. Yeah, man, I don't know, maybe someday even fat guys will be able to score some fine tail. Even if they're handicapped by an enormous fortune. We all can dream anyway.

Chandni Chowk! "Hayye! Oh balle balle!" Johnny Lever, Anjali, and Rukhsar hop around with a bunch of back-up dancers. "Hayye! Oh balle balle!" The girls hip-check Johnny and he freezes. "Hayye hayye!"

Rahul and Yash edge sideways toward Nandini. Rahul does that Indian shoulder-shimmy thing with arms extended, index fingers raised. Nandini joins him for a bare instant before laughing and leaning her head on his shoulder. "Allah," Yash sighs, gesturing at them and looking at us. I know, Yash, it's hard to stomach.

Rohan, Rahul, Nandini, Yash, and Naina take the center of the ballroom. Everyone's dancing, trying to get Nandini to join them. She does the modified twist move for a couple seconds, then grows mortified when Rahul whistles and hides her face in Yash's jacket. He hugs her. Awww.

Daadi's standing by herself, clapping, enjoying the show. Rahul walks behind her and puts his cheek to hers, humming. She lifts one hand to cradle his face. Ew, sweaty. They look at Yash and Nandini, still embracing. Yash pulls back a little to imitate Nandini's dancing, to make her laugh. They hug again. "May my last breath be at your feet," Rahul sings to them, which would mean he dies before they do, so noooo, Rahul. "May my love for you surpass that of the Lord. May the Lord forgive me, may the Lord forgive me," he hastily tacks on. Yeah, best to cover all your bases when dealing with deity, guy. He tries to touch Yash's feet, but Yash catches him and raises him up. They embrace.

Chandni Chowk: Anjali dances and sings for her father. He is her heart, he is her soul, her heaven and her earth. She lets her arm drop from dancing and stands, looking at him teary-eyed. "What will I ever do without you?" she wonders. He turns to her and gives her a hug. "Hayye Allah, what will I ever do without you?" she repeats, almost crying on his shoulder. I guess his blood pressure's a pretty big problem, then?

The camera circles Yash and Rahul, still embracing, then turns into Anjali and her father, doing the same thing. Anjali looks a lot more distraught, though. Her father wipes tears from her eyes.

Naina, having had enough of the sentimentalizing, says shava shava! and does puppet hands, then honks the truck. Rohan sways with the Palmer girls in a chorus line. Whoo-hoo, Rohan!

Now Rahul and Yash dance on either side of Naina. Her golden beauty shines through, and so do her golden anklets. They raise their right index fingers and twirl them around. Her anklets tinkle in melody, to wound the hearts of millions. Once again, overly optimistic about the guest list, guys. They stick their faces beside hers and do the John Travolta "V" over their eyes. Her kohled eyes speak a mysterious language, the immortal language of love. They grab her hands and run with her to the center of the ballroom. All the back up dancers run in place behind them. "C'mon!" Yash yells. Say shava shava! Modified twist! Stair step hands! Modified twist! Stair step the other way!

In Chandni Chowk, Anjali gets down with the party guests. Say shava shava, bhangra!

Yash, Naina, and Rahul do a move that's like pulling in a sail rope, then modified twist. Say shava shava! The same dancer who tangoed with Rohan (also one of the "three most beautiful women in the world" from before the song) gyrates on screen by herself in front of them.

The camera lifts away from Anjali, who has the center of the dancing all to herself. Say shava shava--BHANGRA!

Rahul and Yash are dancing like madmen.

Anjali's spinning near Johnny Lever.

Yash dances up on the gorii dancer girl. Rahul's behind her. They trap her in a shimmy sandwich, but instead of being creeped out by the father-son invasion of her personal space she looks delighted.

Rukhsar grabs Anjali's hand and reminds her of the time. Oh, that's right, there's another party they have to get to! Bet they won't have as much fun at that one.

Yash and Rahul are still dancing way too close to the dancer girl, surrounding her with wavy arms. It's very "What Is Love" of them.

Rukhsar and Anjali go running through Chandni Chowk, carrying covered platters of sweets.

The gorii girl is clearly having the time of her life, perhaps planning how she'll spend her first installment of her mistress-pension.

Anjali keeps running, but gets distracted by some bystanders and dances one-handed with them for a second before remembering where she has to be.

Gorii girl is now totally rubbing her boobs against Yash's kurta. He is not minding at all, thank you very much. Finally, Nandini, having had enough of this, comes up behind him and taps his shoulder. He of course doesn't notice until Rahul taps him too and points to Nandini, still waiting behind her husband. Yash turns to her. Nandini rubs his shoulder and says, politely but firmly. "That's enough now. It's been too much." Gorii girl bites her lip in chagrin and lets Rahul pull her away from the other two. Ooops.

Next up: Vase breaking! Heart aching!


  1. EEEE, another installment. Yay! And another step closer to Vase Breaking! Oh the suspense!

  2. I love the fact, that you transcribed the whole of Shava Shava...Am looking forward to Suraj Hua...*evil grin*.

  3. Anarchavist: Next entry will have it! I can't wait!

    Anishok: LOL I blame Hooray for Bollywood; she made me feel the summary wouldn't be complete without it. And Suraj Hua is gonna be... interesting. Lots of snark fodder there. ;-)

  4. I don't think I can ever listen to Shava Shava the same way again! A Great read again!

  5. goldgirl: Thank you for reading, and believe me, I'll never be able to watch it the same way again either. ;-)

  6. muhahahahaha...
    I'll admit despite all the ham and cheese (wait now it sounds like a sandwich, bleh) I'm quite fond of the movie, still... rofl... you're amazing.

  7. dcd-29: Aw, thanks! *blush* And really, I'm quite fond of it too. Sometimes when I'm typing these up I forget why I'm watching and just get sucked into the movie again. :-D

  8. Oh, oh. Waiting for the next installment. When?


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