Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Part 3

Previously: Rohan found out his absentee brother Rahul was adopted.

Huge-ass house that looks like it's in England, but what do I know? Title card: Raichand House, Diwali, 10 Years Ago. So I guess it's in India.

Inside the house: a woman dumps flower petals at three gods' feet. Camera zoom in on Yash as he hears the woman singing worship in another room and turns, probably because he thinks it's for him. The same woman's hand draws a swastika on a thaali in the middle of a rose-petal bed. Somewhere, the lone Neo-Nazi who accidentally made it past the credits suffers a head explosion.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham Part 2

Previously: Rohan won a cricket match.

Flash to a massive, massive house that most people could fit their entire extended family into, plus some livestock. There's a bunch of people sitting in rows in a fashion that usually means "church" to me. A couple of women are singing a hymn. Into a microphone. They have a home church! Or would you call it a home temple? There are guys in the congregation but apparently none of them know how to sing.

Two old ladies are sitting on a massive cushion in front of the congregants, swaying back and forth, enjoying being worshipped. Oh, wait, maybe the song's for the gods way way behind them in that enclave thingy. The older old lady peeks at a picture in her scripture book. What's with this display of piety? Is it supposed to let us know without really showing it that they're good people? Lazy storytelling, Karan. The younger old lady elbow-bumps the older old lady. Yeah, no having fun looking at pictures during worship, Old Old Lady, didn't you know it's supposed to be boring? We get to see the picture too: it's SRK and the chubby kid again.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham, Part One

Karan Johar's Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham was, at the time of its 2001 release, the highest-grossing Hindi film, ever. With an all-star cast including heavyweights Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Shah Rukh Khan, Kajol, Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor, and Farida Jalal, the film served the dual purpose of reuniting the main players from Johar's previous hit Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and making viewers bawl with tears that owed nothing to glycerin. None of this mitigates the fact that it also pushes every single button in the expansive filmi Lexicon of Cheeze without leaving a single cliche unturned. And that is why it deserves to be on this blog. Without further ado:

Ads. There's that one for Mohabbatein, which I've never seen (legally). Oh, wait, it's the Yash Raj Forever Classics one. Dimple with a huge nose ring, Sridevi in yellow, Rishi in sweaters, SRK batting at balloons. Lots of "this is a very serious montage of classic films YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN" implied. Thanks a lot, ad. As if I didn't already have enough problems with self-esteem. At least I actually know who all the black-and-white stars were now, which I didn't the first time I saw the ad. Saathiya's up next. Rani cuddles a lamb while Vivek Oberoi makes loops with his arms on a mountaintop.